my dream
I sometimes have this dream, I haven't had it for a while, but every time I do it takes me a while to shake of the irrational fear it leaves me with.
I'm walking along and I cut the heel of my foot, I slice my heel away from the rest of my foot so that it is more of a flap, to be precise. It isn't painful, there is no blood or anything you would associate with half of ones foot missing, more it is just uncomfortable. But when I open the flap, it's like there are maggots of some kind in there.
I wake up and know it's not real, but for the rest of the day I am left with an impending sense of doom. I'll be out with friends and have to keep stamping my foot, without drawing attention to myself (a difficult feat) just to ensure its still all in one piece and not falling apart.
To me, this exactly sums up my life with anxiety. It isn't rational. I know realistically that that inner monologue consistently nagging away at me in my head isn't real and should be ignore but that doesn't make it any easier to do so, to stop it from controlling my life in some aspect.
I've felt like this my whole life, but recently it's escalated. On top of that little voice in my head I have had work issues to deal with as well as a health scare. It was all too much. This was over the past two months. In the time that has passed I've stepped down in work (not something I wanted to do), begun attended a CBT course as well as started to do the HR equivalent of a masters (I need to be busy to be distracted). The biggest difference? I've begun sharing with family how I feel, and they listened. Have they understood? Probably not but they've really listened and tried not to judge.
My reasons for starting this blog are two fold:
1. Regarding the aforementioned health scare (will go into this in some detail later), I shared a picture of myself in hospital on my personal Instagram along with a message about my procedure thinking if it helped even one person and educated them to make them have more awareness of said health issue then I would at least be doing some good. It was terrifying to share something so person on social media, not because of all the strangers who could view it, but because of all the people who genuinely know me. I received an overwhelming response of messages and texts following the post.
2. During my CBT we are encouraged to create something called a 'stress diary', we are to write in it anytime we experience feelings of stress and anxiety so that we can begin to monitor any patterns in the behaviour of worrying. I of course failed to do my diary (I was too busy/ didn't have a pen/ would write in it later). As someone who is regularly moaned at by siblings coz my nose is always in my phone and I'm phone dependent I again thought that creating this blog would be good as I am more likely to document my thoughts and feelings if it is some how online.
Am I expecting a big readership from this? Not really, the internet is so full of sites that it's hardly likely that many are going to stumble upon this. But if you do? Thanks for reading. If you suffer with crippling anxiety/stress/*insert mental health issue here*, just know you aren't alone.
I'm walking along and I cut the heel of my foot, I slice my heel away from the rest of my foot so that it is more of a flap, to be precise. It isn't painful, there is no blood or anything you would associate with half of ones foot missing, more it is just uncomfortable. But when I open the flap, it's like there are maggots of some kind in there.
I wake up and know it's not real, but for the rest of the day I am left with an impending sense of doom. I'll be out with friends and have to keep stamping my foot, without drawing attention to myself (a difficult feat) just to ensure its still all in one piece and not falling apart.
To me, this exactly sums up my life with anxiety. It isn't rational. I know realistically that that inner monologue consistently nagging away at me in my head isn't real and should be ignore but that doesn't make it any easier to do so, to stop it from controlling my life in some aspect.
I've felt like this my whole life, but recently it's escalated. On top of that little voice in my head I have had work issues to deal with as well as a health scare. It was all too much. This was over the past two months. In the time that has passed I've stepped down in work (not something I wanted to do), begun attended a CBT course as well as started to do the HR equivalent of a masters (I need to be busy to be distracted). The biggest difference? I've begun sharing with family how I feel, and they listened. Have they understood? Probably not but they've really listened and tried not to judge.
My reasons for starting this blog are two fold:
1. Regarding the aforementioned health scare (will go into this in some detail later), I shared a picture of myself in hospital on my personal Instagram along with a message about my procedure thinking if it helped even one person and educated them to make them have more awareness of said health issue then I would at least be doing some good. It was terrifying to share something so person on social media, not because of all the strangers who could view it, but because of all the people who genuinely know me. I received an overwhelming response of messages and texts following the post.
2. During my CBT we are encouraged to create something called a 'stress diary', we are to write in it anytime we experience feelings of stress and anxiety so that we can begin to monitor any patterns in the behaviour of worrying. I of course failed to do my diary (I was too busy/ didn't have a pen/ would write in it later). As someone who is regularly moaned at by siblings coz my nose is always in my phone and I'm phone dependent I again thought that creating this blog would be good as I am more likely to document my thoughts and feelings if it is some how online.
Am I expecting a big readership from this? Not really, the internet is so full of sites that it's hardly likely that many are going to stumble upon this. But if you do? Thanks for reading. If you suffer with crippling anxiety/stress/*insert mental health issue here*, just know you aren't alone.
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